I just can't find the time to write my mind...

Never stop fighting?

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 03:59:10 GMT

These days have been pressured ones. It all started when I decided that I needed to become the best possible person I could be and that I hadn't spent enough time on making this world the best possible world it could be. I only get each moment in life once so I better make the most of it. Well, let's just say trying to be the best possible person I can be in every moment is the most difficult thing I've tried to do.

We just got a dog and already had 2 cats so I tried to be the best pet parent I could every day focusing on each one. I decided to become a vegetarian. I started biking to work as much as possible (8.5 miles each way). I tried to attend every community meeting I could. I joined a recycling effort to volunteer to help recycle at major events in the city. I started a sewing class. I joined work's softball team. I haven't been volunteering with the animal shelter much, but I still want to join Big Brother, Big Sister too. And what about finishing my stained glass piece? And I haven't played guitar in forever. I started questioning every single decision in every day to make sure that I was making the most environmentally-friendly and altruistic choice possible. And, I feel exhausted. I'm not saying all this to say, 'Look how busy I am', but to say look how crazy I am becoming as I am unable to focus on anything and feel frustrated, confused, and depressed that I cannot make a bigger impact on the world.

The more I do, the more my hope is disappearing. I feel like I'm running to nowhere. I believe in things like 'The villian often wins because he or she takes action. You can't just sit back and let things happen' and 'Never stop fighting (for what you believe)', and these things are driving me crazy.

Well, time for bed.

Learning Goals

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 03:04:00 GMT

I've been working on house searching and townhouse selling. It's tiring and depressing. I don't even want to write about it because it just makes me sad.

I am trying to make a list of things I want to learn about and learn how to do. I always have kind of a running list in my head of all the things I'd like to be and to know. Unfortunately, I'm so interested in everything that I never become a great expert at anything. I brought out my guitar last week though for the first time in a long time, and I had really missed it. I've been bringing my camera more places to take photographs. I've even started writing poetry and stories in my mind again. Nothing is written but just having the stories going in my head is a good thing for me. I love learning but I'm not someone who carries a lot of facts around. I can dissect a book and make a written argument but the figures all just fall away after a few months. I need to improve my memory. I think my next entry will be a list of all the things I'd like to learn --- at some point in my life. Yeah, I'm such a great goal setter.

Ethical Living and Art

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 20:56:24 GMT

I start my new job on Monday! I'm super excited plus nervous, but what else would you expect from me?

Lately, I've felt very conflicted about life. I've become more and more interested in protecting the environment, living a simpler life, and standing up against consumerism. It's not easy though. For example, I like art. I enjoy making jewelry, stained glass pieces, drawings, doing photography etc. I actually enjoy fashion sometimes too, just throwing together random pieces of clothing and making them into something new and original. I fell away a little from my artistic side when I couldn't take art courses in college and became more involved in volunteering, etc. I had to dress more professionally for my job senior year. Now I want to get back into art, but I wonder if I should. Is art wasteful? When I'm trying to live a life without needless possessions, is art a luxury I should live without? Is liking pretty things the same whether it's art or emeralds?

Needless to say, thinking like this can get overwhelming at times to the point that I feel almost paralyzed. I watched an episode of "My Name Is Earl" last night. For anyone who's never seen the show it's basically a comedy about a guy who has been a bad guy all his life. Now he's trying to turn his life around and make it up to everyone he's wronged in the past. In this episode "Robbed a Stoner Blind": "Earl and Randy repay a debt to a nonmaterialistic hippie by spending a week at the totally self-sufficient, environmentally friendly commune where he lives, an experience that opens Earl's eyes to global warming, which he decides to stop." So anyway, Earl tries to stop global warming and pollution and becomes overwhelmed by everything people are doing in the entire world to pollute. He freaks out and has a breakdown. The solution presented was that he should look to himself and do the best he can or something like that.

So, the episode didn't answer my question but it did make me wonder if life in a commune is for me. I know this is probably just one of my crazy out there ideas, but this isn't the first time I've thought about joining a commune. I don't want to drop out of society, but society as it stands can be an obstacle to ethical living. Unfortunately, I also love city life. I'm also thinking about going vegetarian or only eating free range meat. Too bad free range is so expensive, but it's not like I eat that much meat anyway. I've started with giving up pork and eating only free range eggs. It's a start I suppose. So, my struggles continue. I don't know how I'll solve the art question...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! My neighbor has been trimming some bushes or something for the past half hour! It's the worst sound ever, and I now have a splitting headache. I have to escape my house NOW!!!!

Something to think about

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 01:18:00 GMT

"The opposite of war isn't peace; it's creation."
- Jonathan Larson

New Color Scheme

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 23:51:18 GMT

I changed my journal colors to blue and yellow mostly. It had been red and black. I figured it was time for a change. I'm plodding on through all my job and life decisions, trying to take things as they come rather than worrying too much. It's the only way I've kept my sanity through all these questions. One night I wasn't able to sleep at all because I was worrying all night. I had a good interview the next day and some follor up phone calls, and I barely made it through the day without collapsing. After that I just decided that I would have to let go. This is a short update, but I suddenly feel very tired - yes, even though it's only 6:49 pm. I think I've been working on the computer too long. A better update later...

Autumn Rant

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 19:30:37 GMT

Do you know what I really hate about fall? All of the clothing in stores is black, brown, white and BEIGE! ARGH!!!!! I know this is a pathetic thing to rant about, but I really can't stand it! I love autumn. Come on, people! How about some red, some orange, some yellow, some anything but stupid boring neutrals! I wouldn't care so much right now, but I need to find a dress for a wedding and no thank you I don't want a little black dress. A black cardigan or black basic shirt maybe so it's easy to match. But have some fun with color people! Dresses don't need to match with anything - and least of all with the walls! And it only gets worse in the winter when I need color more than EVER! If your clothing makes me feel depressed, I'm not going to buy it. So to all the fashion designers out there who read my livejournal, take my advice and make more colorful clothing. In the meantime, I'm learning how to sew.

This rant was brought to you by me looking for a job all day. Bleh.

Aliens..................

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 14:49:41 GMT

I started reading a new book a few days ago, and it made me think of aliens. I realized that I hadn't even thought about aliens in years. It's not that I've decided one way or the other about their existence; I've just stopped wondering about it. Late night conversations at childhood sleepovers with friends often centered around aliens. Now we talk about the meaning of life and politics, and aliens aren't discussed. It's strange.

Also, I've started making more entries "friends only" so let me know if you read and aren't on my friends list and I can add you. That'saboutit.

Post Office Love

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:52:10 GMT

I like going to the post office. I've met the nicest strangers while waiting in line there. I've had conversations about weddings, thank you notes, car accidents, and of course how long the line is. People are so courteous to one another. I think it's one of those "we're all in this together" things.

I was at the dentist this morning for an hour and a half. Most of my time was just spent waiting in the chair. I wish I had remembered to bring a book. Too late now.

This weekend I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine" in the theater. It was amazing and really funny. Go see it. Now. I also saw a show at the Indy Fringe Festival, IndyProv's Mock-u-mentary. It was terrible and not funny. Don't go see it. Ever. Okay, the festival is over so just trust me on this one. I went to the Rathskeller afterwards. The band wasn't very good, but the atmosphere was still good as always. Aside from that fun stuff, I spent my weekend mostly cleaning like crazy and decorating our place. We can walk without tripping over things now! It looks sooooooooooooooo much better, but we were absolutely exhausted by Monday night. Now we just have to fill all the photo frames with photos. And switch out the gold and off-white outlet covers. And paint. Ah, it's neverending.

Here's the debate - Is it better to throw things out (or recycle them or donate them to Goodwill) OR it is better to keep them and try to reuse them? On the one hand, I want to simplify my life and have less stuff. On the other hand, I don't want to contribute even more to landfills and wastefulness. People don't realize that this is the debate that runs through my head every time I look at ugly statues I bought at the dollar store as a child and electrical wires I picked up from a Habitat house my junior year in high school.

Those who know my decorating "style" may be happy (or disappointed I'm not sure) to learn that living with Justin has not dampered my enthusiasm for bright colors and covering walls and shelves with random things. Yep, I'm never going to have classy style, and I have a spouse that at least somewhat accepts that :)

Looking Back

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:23:08 GMT

So, my five year high school reunion is this coming Saturday. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I was just different in high school - a lot more awkward, unsure of myself. I didn't really talk much in class. I found my few niches and just got comfortable there. Just finding friends was a struggle. I'm still pretty awkward, but now I push myself to talk when I would normally just fade into the wall. I guess I pushed myself to what I was capable of back then though. But now, I'm going back. I'm already thinking of how I'll kind of hide and hope that it'll be lame so I can leave early with my friends.

I suppose it's natural before a reunion to question if you are who you wanted to be, if you're proud of how you "turned out". A lot has happened in 5 years though. A lot has happened in 1 year! I've never really known what to expect after college, especially since I focused so much on what my career would be - something I still haven't figured out. All I could think was that I'd have a job, not making much money but doing something helping people. I'd be writing. I'd have a dog. I'd live in a little apartment by myself in downtown Chicago. My life right now isn't quite that, but I have a job, not making much money but helping people at the library. I'm reading more than writing, but I still do both. I have a cat. I live in a townhouse with my husband in Indianapolis.

A lot has happened in a year. I graduated. I job searched. I moved to Indianapolis. I got a new roommate and a little apartment. I worked at a floral shop. Then I worked at a bank. I volunteered at a library and then accepted an AmeriCorps position at another library branch. I started graduate school. I met lots of new people - new coworkers, new friends. I quit grad school. I got married. I moved into a townhouse. I got a cat. A lot has happened in a year.

I didn't expect my mid 20s to be this tumultuous, but here they are. It's all something amazing. And I'm going to have to work for it. I got a fortune cookie a few weeks ago that said, "Through greater effort and hard work a precious dream comes true." I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

Now that I'm nearing the end of my year of service with AmeriCorps, I have to think what I want to get out of the last month or so. I have to set my own ambitious goals and work alone on my goals. It's a difficult environment for the kind of worker I am, but it's time to open myself up to failure and try something new. It's these kinds of challenges that will prepare me for everything I hope to do in the future.

enough freak outs, enough regrets

Night Owl Again

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 03:39:06 GMT

I've been having trouble sleeping. I'm tired, but once I lay down I'm feel hot and completely awake. What a bummer. Pepper and I have been spending some late night time together. He's nocturnal naturally too. When I get like this I want to go running really badly even though it's past 11 pm. I've been trying to exercise more in the morning, but my more natural time to exercise is at night or right after work when the day's still pretty darn hot.

I didn't go into work today. I was going to go in late, but then I just didn't end up going. I watched some Freaks and Geeks episodes and felt a mixture of emotions as I watched. God, I love that show.

Justin and I saw a house today that we really liked. It's downtown in the Fall Creek Place neighborhood. It's a major rehab house. I don't know what's going to happen with that. I love it and want it, but I'm also anxious about finances. I am definitely not a risk taker financially. The house has so much potential, but it's going to be a ton of work.

I have a bunch of mosquito bites from camping. I keep finding more and more.

These are a few of my favorite things

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 02:21:50 GMT

I love pepperjack cheese.

And chocolate milk.

Together.

Forever.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 23:18:34 GMT

It's been a really long time. I'm now married and living in a townhouse in the Castleton area. That's the most major thing. I will probably write more tomorrow. It's been way too long.

Wed, 03 May 2006 12:05:24 GMT

Working in the childrens section at the library has brought back many memories of books that I read as a child and loved. Back then, I read a lot of fiction and a bunch of biographies and nonfiction on astronomy, code breaking, and World War II. Now, I hardly ever read fiction. I've started to make a list of books that I remember enjoying as a kid. I don't know what I plan to do with this list - create my own childrens library, give the list to my own kids?

During high school, I practically stopped reading for fun. In college, I got even worse about it. There was never enough time, and I had so much required reading that the thought of reading in my free time didn't appeal to me anymore. The exceptions to this were reading in the summer and voraciously reading all the newspapers and magazines that were scattered across my house.

Now, I'm transitioning into adult life and adult reading. Now what? I wonder if I need to start reading fiction again. As a child, I needed something to relate to and some way to explore. I probably still need that now. Maybe it's time to jump into someone else's shoes again. I could use a look at someone else's adult road map right now.

Random but More Frequent Entries from Now On!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 23:37:03 GMT

My left eye has been twitching for the past 2 days. I don't know what that means.

Jane Jacobs died on Tuesday. I was really sad to find that out. I am seriously in mourning. I just read her famous book "The Death and Life of Great American Cities". This book amazed me. I read it, and she was alive. And now she’s dead. You just don’t expect these things…

I think about how boring and repetitious Catholic masses are for me, but then I think about the priests. I mean, how boring has that got to be for them? At least I can space out during the entire Eucharistic liturgy, but the priest actually has to be up there saying things so his mind has to be at least partially tuned in.

Another Catholic thing. (Yeah, getting married in a Catholic church and finding myself a new religion has made me look at Catholicism even more.) I never really understood the difference between Catholics and Protestants and the Eucharist/Communion. Does it really make a difference if Protestants think the bread is a symbol and Catholics think it is the body of Christ? Aren’t we just splitting hairs here? Why do Catholics think that the statement “This is my body” means that every time we share bread in Jesus’ name it is his body? Didn’t anyone ever teach them what a metaphor is? Why do Catholics take that statement literally?

I love Wikipedia.

When I work as a bank teller I don’t even think anymore, and that’s really scary for someone like me.

I firmly believe that people believe what they want to believe. I want to be a Christian so I am a Christian, even though in my mind I know it doesn’t really make sense. I think people who don’t believe in religion don’t believe because they don’t want to believe. Bible thumpers thump the Bible because it says what they want to believe. Literalists ignore the parts of the Bible that they don’t want to believe. Even knowing all this about people, I still believe.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 06:13:57 GMT

Rupert Giles
54% amorality, 45% passion, 81% spirituality, 72% selflessness

Utterly calm and resolute in the face of danger, utterly devoted to his loved ones and comrades in arms, and utterly willing to do what is necessary to ensure that good overcomes evil. Giles knows the score, he knows that sometimes virtue relies on good men getting a little messy, and he's willing to take that on himself, largely so that others don't have to.

You might share some of that.

You most closely resemble one of the most popular heroes in the Buffy universe.

Congratulations!

THE 4-VARIABLE BUFFY PERSONALITY TEST

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 26% on morality

You scored higher than 13% on repose

You scored higher than 86% on spirituality

You scored higher than 85% on selflessness

Link: The 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Some classic corporate BS

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 21:36:50 GMT

Bank Privacy Policies...

Chase:
"Q. Is information about me shared with non-financial companies outside your family of companies?
A. Yes. We may share information about you with companies outside of our family as permitted by law, including retailers, auto dealers, auto makers, direct marketers, membership clubs and publishers." (http://www.bankone.com/)

No wonder I get so much shit in the mail. It's like when Kramer tries to cancel the mail. I don't know why I continue to have some kind of romantic attachment to receiving letters in the mail anyway. Maybe I should just refuse to pick up the mail ever again and see what happens...

Chase's best line:
"Choice #1. You may tell us not to share information about you with non-financial companies outside of our family of companies. Even if you do tell us not to share, we may do so as required or permitted by law." (http://www.bankone.com/)

What a "choice"!

Then there's the slick PR team from National City:
"[checkbox] OPT-OUT: We will not share your nonpublic personal information with others as defined below. National City, on your behalf, has exercised your right to opt-out under 12 CFR Part 40, Privacy of Consumer Financial Information." (http://www.nationalcity.com/about/privacy.asp?WT.svl=1)

Sounds good, right? Like you don't have to call to tell them not to share your info, right? Think again.

National City's spin:
"National City does not share information about you outside of our National City companies unless permitted by Title V of the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act of 1999 and other applicable laws and regulations." (http://www.nationalcity.com/about/privacy.asp?WT.svl=1)

Oh, wow. You're telling me you'll share my information to the fullest extent allowed by law? Wow, I feel so protected. You'll try to keep your own asses out of jail. Gee, thanks.

Hello again.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:02:22 GMT

Hello.
Do you like my hat?
I do not like your hat.
Goodbye again.
Goodbye!

...or something like that. Man, I loved that book, Go Dog Go, as a kid. I mean, I loved it. It's fun to read too. I have voices for different characters. I also loved the book Goodnight Moon.

I've been trying to make some sense of my life, life in general. I know, what else is new? But, I've been relatively happy. Sometimes I worry though that my jobs are making me brain dead. 8 hours (or 10 as the case may be) just fly by before I have a chance to hate or appreciate anything. The bank has been so busy. I've made more bad small talk about the weather than I ever thought was humanly possible. I've started to have dreams about work. One night last weekend in Carthage, I woke up and started feeling around the night stand for my teller scanner. I could feel the alarm clock and knew it was an alarm clock, and, yet I somehow thought my scanner should be there too. I also started searching on the floor for checks and cash that I thought I had dropped. When Justin sat up to ask me what I was doing, I yelled at him to lay back down. I was so pissed that I couldn't find my scanner. When I went to the bathroom and came back, I realized that I was officially crazy. Now, last night I dreamed about counting money for hours and hours and hours. Oh, no - a nightmare! Except it's real life. And I don't know that I'm unhappy as I should be doing this kind of job. It's so mechanical. I caught someone check kiting and caught another scheme that was put on someone else. Kind of exciting. My highlights aren't really that high. Yeah. Ramble. Ramble.

There is something wonderful out there though that I don't think gets enough press - being financially independent. Honestly, I love it. I am so proud of myself. I actually like figuring out my expenses. I don't even mind that I can rarely afford to buy anything other than gas and groceries. I just tell myself that I'm living simply, the way I always should have. I just don't go shopping anymore (okay, except for Christmas shopping this month). I only buy things I need, things I think of and write down on my list. Having less money to work with has always made me realize where my priorities are. I will spend extra money to go out and do things. I won't spend money on items like clothing and decorations. I don't feel like I'm fully expressing my excitement about financial independence but, man, it's there. Trust me. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sometimes I'm just in awe of where I am. I love my little apartment. I love walking around my neighborhood. I just love that I'm making my own life, meeting new people. I think my mantra "Life is an adventure" eventually worked. Okay, let's be honest. The mantra occassionally works. Tomorrow I'll be all pissed again about how shitty some things are turning out.

I really love giving people gifts to the point that I can make myself crazy trying to find the. perfect. gift. Maybe it's better that I did practically all my shopping in 7 days then. On the drive home tomorrow - 3 straight hours of Christmas CDs - YAY!!! Making Justin crazy - YAY!!!

I'm attempting to come up with some kind of philosophy. It's an interesting task. It's becoming an interesting search. Maybe I'll report back on some of this soon. Right now, I'm exhausted and need to hit the hay. I've started to type the wrong words. That's never good.

Survey survey

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 20:47:02 GMT

A-Area code you are in right now: 317, 217 to 317 - kind of confusing
B-Boobs or Butt: since I'm into guys, I'd have to say butt but otherwise... hahah no yeah definitely butt
C-Current Crush: don't really have one unless you count Justin
D-Favorite Drink: orange juice
E-Previous Ex: Rob
F-Favorite Food: lasagna
G-Who do you go to for advice: many people, I'm lucky in this category
H-Current Hate: the fact that once I finish doing one thing, I have something else to do and this will go on for the rest of my freaking life! Makes you just want to give up now
I-I think_____: therefore I am?
J-Current Job: bank teller - a, yeah, woot or something
K-Any Kids: no, and hearing the women at work talking about pregnancy makes me want to run out of the room screaming so --- adoption may be an option
L-I Love: autumn!
M- Favorite Movie: hrm, Garden State? haven't seen much that wowed me since then
N-Your phone number: you wish, buddy
O-Over or Under: over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go, the horse knows the way... etc.
P-Favorite Perfume: I don't usually wear any but if I do it's Adidas Moves
Q-Favorite Quote: well, my favorite one from yesterday was "Casanova, The famous 18th-century lothario ended his life as a librarian. Librarians could use that to sex up their image." from the book The Know-It-All that I'm reading. The book is hilarious so far.
R-Last Road Trip: Logansville, Indiana
S-Do You Smoke: No way!
T-Favorite TV Show: Gilmore Girls - even though this season bites so far
U-Color Of Your Underwear: white with green frogs on it
V-Last Time You Were In Vegas: Never and I plan to keep it that way. I'm not much for gambling or major touristy areas.
W-Wishful Thinking: I wish I were already done with grad school and had the job of my dreams...
X-X-Rays Taken This Year: none
Y-Name That Starts With Y: Yurman, I had to type it into a certified check a few days ago.
Z-Zodiac Sign: Scorpio!

wow.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 04:29:48 GMT

WOW!

Okay, so I normally don't like my birthday...

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 15:03:37 GMT

... but this may be shaping up to be the best birthday week EVER!!! (Yes, in my family we have birthday weeks) The Sox won again last night and ohmygoshohmygosh am I excited. I'm trying not to get myself worked out too much though. But, hell, I may be becoming an optimist. Last night, Justin was complaining about having to work the next day. And I, amazingly, saw the bright side of life. What is happening to me?

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 03:52:19 GMT

When I said my car was bound for adventure in my last post, I must have meant bound to get hit. Don't worry the car was parked, no one is hurt, and the car is fixable. My friend Ashley's neighbor backed into my car really hard (I don't think he even looked). Dealing with the car thing took up my entire Saturday. I was supposed to get a lot of stuff done instead. The neighbor guy I had to deal with was pretty much an asshole too. Oh, well. The car's in the shop now, I'm driving a rental, and I should get the car back on Monday or Tuesday. I don't want to write any more about this because it will just make me angry again.

The job is still going well. It's been tough learning to count out tons of cash though. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually. I'm not usually a fast learner, but once I do learn, I'm set for life. That's always how it goes for me, which can be pretty frustrating.

Being home this last weekend made me homesick for Chicago and even for Arlington Heights. Colleen, Ashley, Sheila, Justin, and I rode the L down to Adler Planetarium for a laser lights show. I don't know. Something about riding the L and going downtown, being in this mass of people just made me miss being there so much. The White Sox being in the playoffs and now the WORLD SERIES!!!!, has made me more lonely and homesick too. No one here understands my absolute, crazy excitment. I lit off a few small fireworks after they won the last game, but it just wasn't the same without everyone else on the block doing it. I've waited my whole life for this, but I don't really have anyone to share in it with. I cannot complain. It was just another thing that reminded me of all that I am missing back home.

Despite the whole car thing taking up my whole Saturday and getting nothing on my to-do list done, I did see a lot of people. Friday I went out with home friends. Let me tell you, those laser light shows move so fast it's scary! There is a reason I don't do drugs! I had to close my eyes during many parts!!! Saturday I saw a bunch of college friends. Lots of goofy dancing and catching up with everyone plus the SOX GAME! It had been a while since I'd seen everyone together. Sunday morning Justin and I had breakfast with my cousin, Maggie, and her husband. Sunday during the day we celebrated my dad's birthday and mine kind of too. A busy weekend!

Lastly, GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!!GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! GO WHITE SOX!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Beer?!

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 21:59:21 GMT

I was pretty productive today. We'll see if any of these jobs come through. I start volunteering at the library next Thursday and I'm hoping to sign up for Big Brother Big Sister soon too! I'm so excited to start volunteering again! I came home extremely hungry and ate a pb&j and drank a beer while I filled out more applications. And let me tell you, I am feeling it from one freaking beer. I guess it's a combination of having very little in my stomach and not drinking much in the past few months. I just thought I would let everyone know that I am buzzed on one beer at 4:55 pm :P

Sentence Fragments Ahead

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 05:43:08 GMT

This week has been better thus far. Which is really positive. Things were getting really bad these last couple. Really bad.

This last weekend was hard. Dealing with the wedding stuff and my parents. My parents trying to make all the decisions. Pulling out the "we're paying for most of this" card. They wanted it to be in holy-expensive Chicagoland though. They offered. We wanted to pay for it ourselves. Cheap and in Indy. They promised it wouldn't be held over us. What a load of crap. We've had the same discussion at least 3 times already. Crap. Crap. Crap. They have good intentions but like to pretend that I'm 15 years old. Crap. Crap. So, Justin got pissed. Then I got more pissed because he was pissed. Then I called my mom and she got pissed at me for confronting her. Pulled out some guilt trips. I tried my best. Then I got off the phone and Justin was pissed at me because he wanted to talk with my mom about it. As though that would be appropriate. Then I got more pissed. Everyone is on speaking terms now, which I guess is good. I've decided that I'm just going to let everyone else make the decisions outside of a few things in the actual ceremony that I really care about.

Damn, I hate that my parents can do this to me. Because they know. I'm never going to become the badass rebel black sheep daughter. I have spent all my life trying to be a good example to my siblings. So they could use it against me. I hate caring. I am really hoping that I don't go home until Thanksgiving for Allison and Kevin's wedding. They might come visit me at some point. I have my doubts that it will happen anytime soon though. They're busy with their own lives, and I'm starting a new one. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to listen to them anymore. I'm not used to that freedom yet. My mom asked my cousin when she might come visit me in Indy. She said, "When she gets a job."

On the positive end, I have been more productive lately and not so hopeless. I made a list of goals on Sunday night, and it made everything seem achievable. I felt like I was 11 again making summer to-do lists. I can break it all down into a few categories. It's hard to explain but looking at my list it all seemed to come together - the person I want to be. For a time, I wasn't really sure who I wanted to be anymore. Then I remembered: a learner, an artist, a friend, a volunteer, a teacher. Those things have never really changed.

I had some really weird dreams last night. I slept badly so I remembered more than usual because I woke up so many times. In one dream, it's my wedding and I'm setting up the whole room for the reception and serving everyone food and clearing dishes. Then it's the last song and I realize that I haven't even been at my reception. I've just been setting things up in the back room. I realized that Justin and I hadn't even had our first dance yet. A rap song was playing, but I grabbed Justin anyway and started dancing with him. Everyone at the reception started booing us off the dance floor so I left. I was like 'How did this happen?! I had nine months to plan it yesterday and then all of the sudden it's here!' Then I had another dream. I left my shoes somewhere. When I went to pick my shoes up, one of them was missing. I had to walk around wearing two right shoes. I was so pissed saying, 'I don't want to buy new running shoes yet! Those weren't worn out yet!' I was frantic looking for my other shoe. In another dream, I'm in this weird game. Two teams are competing against one another. We're in this capsule really far underwater in the middle of the ocean and somehow we're supposed to pinpoint where on the map we are. I just kept trying to not think about how far under the ocean we were and how if we tried to escape, the water pressure would kill us.

Alright, time for bed. Maybe I'll have more weird dreams to report tomorrow.

NERD HERD!

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 05:12:04 GMT

Well, I've always known that I'm a dork, but I guess I never realized how big of a nerd I am too. Wait, I guess the title of my journal used to be "Nerdploits and other Adventures" so, yeah... NERD HERD!

TABLE cellPadding=20 align=center>
<tbody>
<tr>
<td align="middle">Tri-Lamb Material
73 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 56% Dork </td></tr>
<tr>
<td>For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Dork, earning you the coveted title of: Tri-Lamb Material.

The classic, "80's" nerd, you are what most people think of when they think "nerd," largely due to 80's movies like Revenge of the Nerds and TV shows like Head of the Class. You're exceptionally bright and smart, and partly because of that have never quite fit in with your peers or social groups. Perhaps you're realized, or will someday, that it is possible to retain all of the things that you like about being brilliant and still make peace with the social cliques around you. Or maybe you won't--it's really not necessary. As the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda discovered, you're fine just the way you are and can take pride in that. I mean, who wants to be like Ogre, right!?

Congratulations!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in either of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST </td></tr>
<tr>
<td align="middle"> </td></tr></tbody></table>

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 86% on nerdiness

You scored higher than 27% on geekosity

You scored higher than 91% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Since when is rape funny?

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 19:21:37 GMT

So, I really hated the movie Wedding Crashers. I thought it was offensive, homophobic, boring, and - for the most part - unfunny.

I saw it a couple weeks ago because I heard it was really funny. I'm not generally ultra-sensitive to gross-out humor etc but this movie, really, well, enough excuses, I thought it was terribly offensive. In the beginning, I thought the movie was going to be great. It had a long montage of the two main characters, Jeremy and John, crashing a ton of weddings and having a ball doing it. It really didn't bother me that they were lying to get girls into bed with them. Most people wait and get to know the other person before having sex for a number of reasons but one is because you cannot just trust any old person you meet. So, I didn't start out hating Jeremy and John or anything.

The first thing that really bothered me was a rape scene that was supposed to be funny. I think it was supposed to be funny because the woman, Gloria, a "nypho" ties the man, Jeremy, up and rapes him. I guess that the gender role reversal is supposed to make us not see this rape as disturbing. However, I, of course, put myself in the place of the man being raped and it's scary as all hell. Also, rapes do happen to men, and there are women rapists. These rapes are rarely, rarely reported though. So the whole thing just trivializes rape in general and also the rape of men.

To make the whole rape thing worse, Jeremy later starts to like Gloria. He says he actually likes how crazy she is or something. Him falling for his rapist just perpetuates the whole myth that women secretly want to be raped.

After the rape scene is over, the woman's extremely creepy, artsy, quiet, gay brother, Todd, gets into bed with Jeremy and says that he knows that Jeremy wants to have sex with him. Todd won't take no for an answer, and Jeremy is still tied up. Again, it's scary as all hell that Jeremy's going to be raped again. Luckily, Jeremy is able to shoo Todd into the closet (haha - NOT) before Todd's dad walks in the room. The whole thing reinforces the lie that gays are disturbed people who force themselves on other people and try to make other people gay.

The whole movie was pretty much a "Meet the Parents"/romantic comedy. We are introduced to the whole "kooky" family, and John and the other daughter, Claire, begin to fall in love, blah, blah, blah BARF! Gloria gives Jeremy a hand job under the table even though he pushes her away. She obviously doesn't know the meaning of consent. Then, after dinner the mom of the family, Kathleen, traps John in a room asking him to touch her fake boobs or she will tell everyone that he tried to do something with her. Because he doesn't want to risk things with Claire and he agreed to meet Claire downstairs, he is forced to touch Kathleen's boobs just so he can leave the room and not be called a pervert in front of everyone. Is that supposed to be funny?

Then blah blah blah Jeremy and John fall in love with Gloria and Claire respectively. Some problems come along the way. Like, Claire has a fiance - man, I've never seen that one before. Then, all is resolved and they are happyily paired off. The end.

I'm not denying that there were some funny parts to the movie - the beginning montage, betting on readings at one of the weddings, John attending weddings by himself after he gets depressed - but honestly, rape and homophobia will never be funny to me. It was hard for me to find other things funny after feeling so totally disgusted.

This review says it more eloquently.